Should I leave him in his time of need?

My husband is a depressive alcoholic and his mood swings have caused great upset to our two children. He left the family home in Easter this year, at the time I didn't know that he ha...

My husband is a depressive alcoholic and his mood swings have caused great upset to our two children.

He left the family home in Easter this year, at the time I didn't know that he had any mental health problems I thought that he left because he was seeing someone else.

Since then however I have tried to get him help via the doctor, social services and other organisations but he doesn't want to know.

I work part time so I can't be with him all the time, when he's had something to drink (usually between 10-18 cans of beer) he is very aggressive and abusive, and although I go to his flat and help him tidy up I can't cope anymore.

I am physically and mentally drained with the abuse he shouts at me and our eldest child is scared of him

his mother says I should end the relationship and get on with my life and he'll be fine, but I don't think I can let go that easily.

He has threatened to kill himself on many occasions and I don't know I should do?

LOAJP	I think you should leave your husband, he's a threat to you and your children's life. You don't want them to grow up thinking that what he does is okay do you? I know someone who was aggressive towards his girlfriend with a child and it took her years to leave him. He kept threatening to end his life and eventually she found the courage to leave him (he also beat her up a few times). She has never looked back and the bloke? He didn't carry out the threat of ending his life. I hope this helps a little.

Katy	You need to catch him when he is sober, sit him down and tell him how your feeling. Explain to him the damage he's doing and that his own children are growing up frightened of their own father.. ask him if this is the way that he'd planned his life, and ask him what he aims to achieve, no family, no wife and children who hated the way he is.. cos children don't forget... Talk with him and listen to his reasons for doing the things he does. Try to avoid going round to see him when you know he's been drinking, and if he continues to threaten to kill himself inform social services, tell them your not going to help anymore. Ask him if he really loves his wife and children then why is he trying so hard to push them away?....

q6656303	sorry you have to go through this .... but dont go down the hole with him i imagine you need him more than he needs you ... if you make a successful life with the kids then there is more chance of him reuniting with you a IF he can hit bottom and bounce back up

R.I.P.	He needs his mother. Your children need theirs. It might be hard, but it might also be the best thing for him in the long run if you leave him alone. It would give your children a break too.

The LSC Group	I'm not sure, but it made me think, Cheers

Queen Victoria of Port	I'm sorry to hear your story, I know this is going to be difficult to hear but - you need to walk away. The safety and well being of your children is paramount. You need to do what is best for them, not for your husband. It sounds like you have co-dependency issues (need to be needed), I would suggest that you speak to a counsellor about these issues. You will then find the strength to walk away and get on with your life. In other words, deal with your issues like an adult, and let the other adult in this scenario deal with his. We are after all, responsible for our own actions and not the actions of others. Good luck.

goodbye and good luck :-)	ok here's what to do.... 1. go and see alcoholics anonymous on his behalf and ask to talk to someone about what you can do to help him. 2. If you have been supporting him through this for a long time and now need a break, TAKE ONE, in fact, make it your FIRST priority, you and THE KIDS come first, and if he had any decency in him he would realise that. 3. Remember that you are not alone in all of this. It is not an easy situation, not by a long chalk. You should be ready for when he gets better (if that happens) but you should also consider moving on if he won't help himself, it's probably complicated as there will be alot of feelings involved. personally, i would try and get time on your own - about a week if you can manage it and do some walking on the beach and thinking - for example. Funny how solutions to supposedly difficult situations become easier when we are away from them 2 more things 1: keep smiling for the kids' sake and 2: best of luck. :-)

Emmie	It isn't fair on you or your kids, leave him, maybe that will give him the kick up the back side he needs. You have tryed to help him and he just trows it in your face, he needs to want to help himself, he is being very selfish and needs to stop acting like a child. you have done your best, leave before he hurts you.

munchie	Right Hun you got 3 choices 1st leave him 2ND be there for him 3rd be there but tell him point blank that if he don't get help its over go see your Dr ask for some advice tell your hubby to see Dr or you leaving with the kids this is a illness he got so don't be too hard but be hard you need to for you and the kiddies

ehc11	You're a caring kind of person by the sound of it but you need to keep yourself and your children safe too. If he won't admit he's got a problem there is nothing you can do I'm afraid. I'd get out of there quick smart!

asphaltangel77	well you did marry him for better or worse and in sickness and health, and you got the worse and the sickness but no one for any reason has a right to abuse you and if you child is afraid of his own dad then he needs serious help. i am not sure but i think if you get 2 signatures like yours and his mom's you can have him committed, something you could look into and sometimes those talk shows help maybe wake him up. you know he has to admit he has a problem b/4 he will help himself, so you might just have to show him tuff love by letting him go to jail for abuse or committing him your self. if it doesn't work just leave why ruin your life cause he wants to ruin his and give your kid a better and happier life not a fearful one.

Barneyboy	Think of the kids do you want them to see their Dad like this. Try a trial seperation it may prompt him to get help.

zerospacegurl	Stop thinking about him and think about YOU and your CHILDREN. Its doing tons of damage to your kids. If he refuses to change then you have no other choice than to move on. The next time he threatens to kill himself just call 911. That way he will be forced to have a mental evaluation and in the mean time….you can get a restraining order if you feel you need one. Get this guy out of your life. You and your children deserve happiness.

nursej	i think you should get on with your life, for the sake of yourself and children, i was with someone who has alcohol abuse, without the mental health and that was hard enough, let alone what you must be going through, you've done all you can

kiva222	You have children. I repeat, you have children!! You are responsible to provide them with a safe and secure home. Nuff said??

scoop	This man is using emotional blackmail to keep you with him, you have children to consider and no one is going to blame you if you leave him. Even his own mother agrees.It might be the kick he needs to sort himself out, you have done your best its now time to start thinking of yourself and your children. Think about what this is doing to them? I dont mean to sound harsh but people who threaten to kill themselves rarely do, those who are serious will just do it. Its a way of making you feel guilty and you dont deserve this, get out now its time to leave. I wish you the best of luck xx

poggle_63	To me you have tried to help your husband, his behaviour is unreasonable especially around you and the children. He can't get away with emotional blackmail and that is what he is using on you. Until he admits he has a problem he isn't going to change. It is easy for me to sit here and say let him stew in it but that will not help you. You have to decide what is best for you and your children, no one but you can decide that. I wouldn't take the children to his flat, if you can't find someone to look after the kids I wouldn't go. You need to protect them. You also need to protect yourself. I would get someone to look after the kids and go and see him explain to him he is self destructive and you and the kids can't take it anymore. You would rather he didn't harm himself but if he choice to do that it is not your responsibility he is an adult and he is making his own choice. If he had been reasonable he wouldn't have put you in this position. If he decides to kill himself that is his responsibility not yours.

bigtoe	if he will not help himself what chance have you got. leaving him might just bring him to his senses

cajunrescuemedic	I'm sorry to hear about this. If he's not able, or willing to go to get some kind of treatment, then I think you should send him on his way. It's pretty obvious that he's not going to change, so you shouldn't have to put up with all that. I don't want to sound cold hearted, but him threatening to kill himself may just be his way for yelling help, or just being mean. You don't need all that drama in your life. In my opinion, you need to dump him Best of luck to you.

David s	Well, speaking from experience of having a similar problem in the family, I went to a doctor for advice and she told me a few things... 1. you are his wife and not a doctor or a physcologist 2. If he refuses to get help, chances are he doesnt want it and nothing you can do will help him. 3.look after the wellbeing of your children first. This is your and his responsibility, someone has to do it. 4. If he takes his own life that is his decision, maybe leaving him might encourage him to seek help and maybe not, but you have to look after yourself first, because if you dont, you will not be in any shape to help anyone else, him, or your children. 5. Marriage is a contract in which both partners must participate, or it doesnt work. end of story..

hushnowjustplayit	Your husband can find his own way when he's ready. You need to get help for your own problems - codependency and enabling. What is going on in your family carries on from generation to generation unless someone breaks the cycle. If you care about your children's future, get help. Call Alcoholics Anonymous and they can steer you in the right direction. Get going and good luck.

ss24xbhandyman@yahoo.co.uk	leave him, don't let him ruin your life, life is to short,i know it is hard to walk a way but it is for the best, you are wasting your life, let him do what ever he wants to do, who cares, get rid of him, have some time on your own. BE HAPPY XXX

rubencitocito	You should leave him. As it seems, he is not a good husband for you. He is neither able to care about you nor your children. http://theattacktothemoncadagarrison.blogspot.com/ http://terrorismagainstcuba.blogspot.com/ http://cubaanimportantcountry.blogspot.com/ http://thelasttruth.blogspot.com/

Melissa M	By staying in this situation, you are not helping him. By tidying up after him and letting him treat you and the kids this way, you are enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. If he is abusive, get yourself and the kids away. He may be only verbally abusive right now, but things can escalate pretty quickly. Are you willing to sacrifice your kids' well-being to stay with him? He needs help. Professional help that you cannot provide. He is not willing to see it, and thus, no one can help him until HE decides he's hit rock bottom. Threatening to kill himself may be a way for him to bind you to him, because he knows that you love him. Or, he may be serious, but if he's seriously suicidal and doesn't want help, there is nothing you can do for him. I implore you, get out, get YOURSELF and your kids some therapy, to help you sort out your emotions about all of this, and do not let him near the kids when he's been drinking. Get a restraining order if he gets pushy. It's time to stop thinking about him and start thinking about those kids.

j_d_b_uk	Refer him to your doctor,social services and tell him to go to AA and say if he doesn't do it this time you will end the relationship, If he makes no effort , end it

Wii (look it up)	I highly suggest you do not do it he just might kill himself or even worse. Try working it out if not do not forget the restring order

elebka	If you love him, then you have to leave him, not only for him, but for the children. Do you really want them to grow up thinking this is "The Norm". Whilst he has you to molly coddle him, he will never get the help he needs. His mother is correct, but I think you both should inform him that when he decides to change, then, and only then will you help him. His threats to kill himself are just that, threats. If he does, then as long as you have informed the relevant authorities that he is aiming to do this, then that is as much as you can do, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

ribena	Pesuade him to get help when he is sober, if he declines I am afraid you'll have to let go for yourself and your kids and your sanity in general. If fact I am getting a vibe here that mentally he is ok, it is the alcohol that triggers all the thoughts, feelings and agressiveness that he possesses.

Tony Hi_teck	Move on and he will thank you in time think of the children first. Good luck

ASHLEY	Sometimes leaving them will jolt them into wanting to quit. No one should have to put up with abuse. Buy him that ticket to dumpsville and get a new life. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

dashabout	You are such a good person. You are giving him all this time and attention with absolutely nothing in return. Even his own MOTHER tells you to get on with your life. I honestly think she has a point. If it's not for your sake, for your children's. Threatening to kill himself is not a real threat, it is a form of blackmail which should be ignore. You are not responsible for his happiness and you should just move on and look after yourself and the children. You never know, this may force him to sort his own issues out and become a more pleasant person to spend time with.