How to be able to forgive yourself, especially when others won't? PSYCHOLOGICAL ONLY, NO RELIGION PLEASE!!!!!
I have some friends who came from abusive households, and had to endure abuse throughout their growing up years and carried it out throughout, social and work life, unfortunately such people are not entirely guilt free, because they responded to it accordingly (which is the only way they knew how mostly because of young age).
After getting much needed professional help, they confront those family members primarily responsible as part of the healing process, but it backfires in a way that those confronted successfully alienate other family members including their adult children, in a way that is totally irreversible.
I see the only answer to get over the anger, resentment and heartbreak is to simply forgive themselves and others for their own sake even if they will never be forgiven. The hard question is HOW??
NO RELIGIOUS ANSWERS. Been there and done that, as religious scriptures solely concentrate on the what. I know the what, but it would be more useful to know HOW!!!! Additional Details Phil (6th from top): "I dont follow all that. Statements like "because they responded to it accordingly" are too vague..."
My answer: There is nothing I'd like more than to be specific, but unfortunately, while I do have faith that there are people who are likely to empathize, there are far more people who are here to judge others, mostly by kicking those who are already down.
I don't see anything wrong with leaving the details to each of your imaginations, instead.
By excluding "religious answers" you have excluded the only thing that could be helpful.
none
I dont follow all that. Statements like "because they responded to it accordingly" are too vague. What the heck are you asking? What is it you need to be able to forgive yourself for? Getting abused?
Ties that bind
justification
Wicked Warrior
Personally I think forgiveness is overrated. The past is done and no amount of forgiveness will change the hurt that was there.
Leave the forgiveness out, simply walk on. The anger and pain should not be cast aside. Use them or they will victimize you. No amount of being forgiven, can pull back being a victim. Victim's will always be hurt, always be down. Never be free. Victims seek forgiveness, and will never find it.
Take what makes one suffer, be it memories, guilt, self blame and all of that, and use it to achieve a goal. Something physically demanding (not challenging, demanding) works best. Something that will take years. For example martial arts. My goal is my black belt. This will take years of steady physical and mental work. There are levels of rank to show how far you have come. (Many people quit projects they start for lack of noticeable improvement, which is why I chose martial arts for this example.) Let the professional help sit on the back burner, further and further, as one reaches their goal.
Forgiveness becomes obsolete.
Your victim is dead. Now, a survivor rises, identifies themselves with what they have done, not what was done to them.
Redemption has been achieved.
lisab
That person did what they could to make amends. It wasn't their fault to begin with.
Unfortunately sometimes even time can't mend emotional scars left by those whom we though we going to always be there for us.
However over time, this person should realize they did the right thing even if it didn't work out. They are better off without these people in their lives.
Stay strong and focus on those who do really care about you.
fionarwilkinson
let me know if you get the answer.
Patricia
There is a psychological tool called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) that I have used very successfully to release old negative emotions and free myself to move forward.
Go to: http://chipeft.com/ and download the free e-book.
That will give you a clue as to how it works and why. You might want to email Chip (an old friend of mine) and make an appointment for a session or two by telephone with him.
Good Luck
live for today
that's hard. Ive been abused and i am 15. people are expecting me to forgive already... and i still live in the abusive home...?
but i don't know exactly what you are asking. it is no ones fault for fallen victim to abuse... are the adults now abusing their own children? is that what they need to be forgiven for?
how did they "react accordingly?"
therapy can help. but personally, i will never see my mom or dad the same way again... and our adult relationships will be weird if existent
try googling "eft"
tiff
I worried that this may be outcome of therapeutic help but was glad to find that not to be the case and wouldn't have done it anyway.
I found that thinking about what may have happened to the other person to cause them to behave in the way they have towards me has helped and confrontation would not have been very healing.
This will not be the case for everyone but the only person I wanted to confront was myself, how I deal with things and how I am going to build a better life for myself. I can't change the past but I can change the future and I personally would prefer to either reconcile with or leave behind the people who have hurt me.
tootiebear
The anger that is built up when you dont forgive is only hurting you. You dont need to be hurt when the world hurts a lot. Concider it an expierence and that you learn from expierences. The world gives you a lot of hurtful expierences that a person does the right thing or the wrong things but either way they learn from their expierences.
madhavan n
forget and forgive is the best option in such cases,dont carry all the burden of the past and live
^ striim
Well I had a far from perfect childhood and struggled with resentment for several years and I believe it became easier to forgive myself and them by developing empathy. Once I gained insight into the inner experiences of my family members and could understand how they too were suffering I was able to lessen my resentment and actually feel some compassion for them instead. What also helped me overcome the pain was coming to understand how I was suffering. Then the shame, guilt and self loathing turned into compassion for myself. 99% of this insight came from reading credible self help books. They have given me a basic understanding of human psychology and have greatly lessened the frustration and confusion. And Ive been able to do it without including the need to have faith in God. Books like 'A Guide To Rational Living' by Albert Ellis, 'Nasty People' by Jay Carter, and 'Boundaries' by Anne Katherine, among others. If you need more book titles, feel free to email me.
Best wishes.
Char G
Abuse is never anybody's fault. If you are abused, you don't need to forgive yourself, because there was no way you could prevent that. What you really need to do, and if this starts to sound religious, I'm sorry, is forgive the offender.
Marina
It's very dicey for therapists to encourage confrontation (if they did). Confrontation needs to be very carefully thought out, and the ramifications considered ahead of time. I believe it backfires even if it "succeeds". Reason: abusers will not EVER take responsibility because of their mental problems. Confrontation enrages and humiliates them and more abuse will inevitably follow.
Your theory about forgiveness is useful. Especially forgiving yourself, because you were too young to be held responsible for anything whatsoever.
Forgiving the abuser....well...I'd look at it more as accepting philosophically that the abuser is psychiatrically disturbed and a dangerous individual. Now that you're an adult, you can do your own healing and give the perp no further access to you (or as little as possible). If you are forced to be together with them, because they are parents, don't tell them what's going on in your life, don't give out information, don't try to get anything out of them, and just have the baseline amount of civility due to people bearing the title "parents". IOW, keep a safe distance emotionally if not physically.
The more steps you take to protect yourself, the less angry you'll be. I'm guessing that some of the anger is a feeling of powerlessness.
Good luck!
Loud Diva
I definitely suggest that they go through a little bit more therapy to start the forgiving process. it's so good that you care about your friends and maybe you should suggest writing down everything that has hurt them and then releasing it, you wouldn't believe how much better they would feel. the key to forgiveness is letting go......
putzman22
simply realise what you can and cannot change.
find the serenity to accept the things you cant change
if you can change it find the courage to do that.
but you must have the widom to know the difference.
you dont need religion, but you do need something to look up to ...a power greater than you.
daljack -a girl
For something like this.....the person should do 2 things.
First remove themselves from a very bad disfunctional family and the environment. You can't heal if it's still in your life.
Next the person should find a therapist who will help them do the work necessary to move on.
Remember....all therapists are not created equal....you have to shop around to find the one for you.
diva
yes u can forgive urself. my therapist said that the feeling of guilt is completely useless and even damaging if it lasts more than 2 minutes!
smile, think positive, and give urself chances everyday. pretend u r ur own friend and how would u treat a friend whom u love?
dont close urself, but i sympathize in that feeling.
Plato
There are many techniques for working through problems. Putting them in perspective is probably the best way to go about it.
Rather than dwelling on the past, and what did and didn't happen, these people should work on getting on with their lives and make the best of what is. To stay stuck on the past just prevents a person from moving on with life.
Everyone has some issues to deal with in life. In fact that's what life is all about - learning how to deal with challenges and adversities.
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